Reflections of relationships and self

So, here I am, it’s a Thursday, and I’m in that afternoon lull.  You see, I’m most productive between the hours of 9-2ish….anything after, it’s likely not my best work.  I am here writing because I am making a promise to myself and I guess this blog, that I am going to devote more time to writing.  To really give this thing a go and see where I can take it.  But first, I need to start writing.

Today I’ve chosen to write about relationships because it has been a hot topic lately, considering I got married this past weekend! 🙂  Relationships take all forms, last all different lengths of time, and each one teaches us something, whether we realize it or not.  My very first relationship taught me a lot.  It taught me about status and how to treat others.  This person was someone I thought I was going to marry! Oh boy was I wrong, and thank goodness I was.  That break up was a rough one for me.  I didn’t think I would ever love again.  Hell, I didn’t think I would even survive that. But I did, and I’m grateful for my relationship with him, as weird as that sounds.  I wouldn’t be where I am today without it.  It taught me a lot about what I did want out of a relationship, what I didn’t want out of one, what I wanted to put in a relationship, and everything in between.

That’s what is awesome about relationships.  Even when they don’t work out, you learn from them and eventually you figure it out.  I’ll admit, it did take me a long time to fully move on from that heartache.  In fact, it probably took years.  But now, I am happily married to the love of my life, Carson.


But – even Carson and I didn’t have the fairy-tale smooth sailing start to our relationship.  You see, Carson and I met in college, and he also happens to be 2 years younger than me. (Does that make me a cougar?)  Regardless, Carson and I “saw” each other for a semester and then went our separate ways for 2 years.  Well, we never really separated completely.  We stayed in contact (although not a ton) and saw each other occasionally when I would come home from CO to visit.  I’ll never forget the card that I wrote Carson when I was moving to CO.  I told him what I had learned from him, (which was to spend more time enjoying life and laughing) and what I hoped he had learned from me (that love really does exist).  I knew it was a risk to put that, but I knew if I didn’t tell him, I’d regret it forever.  He still has that card to this day.  🙂  But what I’m getting at is that life is full of experience, some bad, some good.

Carson and I test each other on a weekly, shit sometimes daily, basis.  Mainly we test each others patience!  But there is absolutely no one else that I would want to do this with.  We have come such a long way.  We have learned to trust each other more, to let our guards down, to love more, to communicate better, etc.  Our relationship isn’t rainbows and butterflies all the time.  In fact, it’s actually hard work.  But after awhile, you kinda know if you’re in a relationship for the long haul or not.  And I freaking love that man, even though he drives me crazy sometimes.  So if you’re reading this Carson Jasper, I love you!



Approximately 9 weeks ago, I up and quit my “corporate” job.  In fact, I didn’t even give a 2 week notice, I actually walked out.  It was that bad.  I’ve never done that before.  Never in my life did I ever think I would do that, nor do I plan to do it again.  I know it wasn’t the “right” thing to do, but here’s how it got to that point.

1. Within the first two weeks of starting my boss had mentioned getting our goals together for the upcoming year.  I thought to myself, “Sounds great to me!”  I figured we would work on them together, but no, I was way off.  In fact, I didn’t even get a say in any of them.  I was shocked.  How do they expect me to have “skin in the game” when I am just signing some piece of paper?  So, me being me, I questioned it.  I talked to my supervisor on the phone about it, she circled round and round, and eventually said I could have a few weeks to look them over and come up with suggestions.  That was a start.

However, during those next couple weeks, I also questioned the training, or lack thereof, that I had received.  Therefore, rocking the boat some more.  (I seem to be good at this.)  So, when the time came to sign my goals for the next year, I was afraid to rock the boat, so I just went along with what they had put down for me.  I know, I know.  How stupid, huh?  This was just the start of me suppressing my feelings and trying not to create waves.

2. Our workforce was running on empty.  They hard no spark left, no light in their eyes.  They had been worked to the bone the previous summer and fall.  When I suggested an incentive system to the production manager, he pretty much laughed at me.  Our conversation went something like this,

Me:  We really need to do something with the employees or this is going to get worse.  We need to make them have some skin in the game and make it a win/win for them and the company.  An incentive to get them to make more parts per hour and package more parts per hour.

Production Manager:  Their incentive is to keep their job.

Me:  Ok then.  Noted.  (As I walk out of the office feeling completely defeated.)

What the hell kind of place had I gotten myself into?  This wasn’t at all the place it was when I interviewed.  I kept trying to tell myself there was a light at the end of the tunnel, kept trying to believe what people were telling me, but unfortunately the light wasn’t there.

I couldn’t do it anymore.  I couldn’t fake a smile, or fake a happy HR lady persona, and I sure as hell couldn’t sell this company to prospective employees.  I know my moral compass will not line up perfectly with each employer that I have.  I would be naive to think that.  However, I do want there to be more aligned than there is not aligned.  This why I had to leave, and why I walked out on that Tuesday morning and never looked back.

But holy shit was that scary!  Still to this day I can’t believe I walked out.  Me?  The HR person walking out?  WTF?!  But, to this day it has been one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.  I took two weeks “off” of work, which was a mutually agreed upon decision that my fiance and I made together.  I was able to spend time focusing on myself, thinking about what I actually want to do, figuring out what is most important to me, deciding where/what I want to devote my resources to, etc.

Right around the end of the second week of not working I got a call for a temporary position recruiting at a trucking company.  I wasn’t really jumping for joy at the thought of recruiting for a trucking company, but the pay was right (same as I was making), the hours were fine, and there was a light at the end of this tunnel, it was only temporary.

So, here I am 9 weeks later at my temporary position, on a Monday and feeling really good.  I can’t begin to list all of the reasons why I feel this good, or list all of the things I’ve learned from this experience, it’d take way too much typing.  But, all I know is that life is too short to be miserable, too short to feel “stuck” where you are, too short to not be doing what you love or at least taking steps towards it.

A mentor of mine that I recently had lunch with said this to me, “Life is hard enough as it is, don’t keep looking back and wondering what if.  You must always look forward”. So that’s what I’m trying to do, one day at a time.


-Messy Jessie